
Sometimes in my practice, I have clients come to me suffering from anxiety & depression, low self-esteem, and feeling just unsatisfied with life. Yet, as we dig a little deeper, it becomes apparent that these symptoms are rooted in patterns of people-pleasing. Some clients are surprised (and later, relieved) to learn that how they relate to others is the thing that is contributing to their symptoms. So, how do you know that you’re a people pleaser? Here are some telltale signs I see a lot of in my practice working with people pleasers.
Chronically Overextended. Most people-pleasers are busy bees. They have full calendars and tend to always be on the go. Whether being overworked and burnt out in the workplace or taking on a lot in their family system, people pleasers are running on fumes. They have little time for themselves, and even when they get a break, they might have difficulty using it to take care of themselves. Because they are constantly on the go, they eventually hit a wall and crash out, only to return to their pattern.
Hard Time Saying “No.” This one is classic and more obvious but a telltale sign of people pleasing. Saying “no” or setting any boundary feels a little impossible. They are constantly worried about how other people will react to their boundaries, and that prevents them from setting them. They are often preoccupied with angering or disappointing others with their needs for space or time. Sometimes, they are worried that if they say “no,” other people will ultimately leave them, so they do everything they can to meet the needs of others, even at the expense of not having their own needs met.
Low Guilt Tolerance. This relates to the fear of setting boundaries. People pleasers tend to struggle with the feeling of guilt. If they think they will feel guilty about something, they will avoid it. Guilt refers to doing something wrong, and people pleasers tend to be highly sensitive to this. They never want to feel like they are doing something wrong by others around them and, thus, find themselves doing anything to avoid that.
Conflict Avoidant. People pleasers have a hard time with conflict because it may signal to them that they are doing something wrong (if someone brings up issues with them). They try really, really hard to meet the needs of everyone around them so there is no conflict. This includes anticipating needs. People pleasers also tend to avoid bringing up their own hurts and frustrations. Instead, a lot of people pleasers tend to rationalize their emotions away (“They didn’t mean it” or “I’m being dramatic; it’s not that big of a deal”). Their emotions tend to “disappear” because they have a hard time validating their own emotional experience.
Underlying Resentment. As you can imagine, many people-pleasers struggle with resentment. They give and give and give, and often, they do not get a lot in return. This could be because they are in relationships with an imbalance of care, or they are not asking for their needs to be met. Either way, their needs are unmet, leading to resentment.
There are more signs of people pleasing, but these are some of the most common. Did you recognize any?
Until next time,
Dr. Jess
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